On your wedding day, after you’d walked down the aisle and were saying your marital vows, you thought that was it.
All of your romantic troubles were gone forever and
you were about to live happily ever after next to your loved one.
After all, this is the scene where all the fairy tales
and romantic movies end. The protagonists managed to overcome all the obstacles
and are off to their perfect life.
However, nobody tells you what comes next.
Nobody tells you about the problems which await you,
about the fact that you can easily be trapped in an unhappy marriage and nobody
warns you of the situation where your relationship is falling apart and there
is nothing you can do about it.
When you were listening to stories about marriage,
nobody mentioned that one day, you would be sitting in your room, silently
crying and wondering, “How can I save my marriage before it becomes too late?”
Well, that’s why we’re here—to give you that answer
you’re so desperate to find.
And here is exactly how to do so in 6 steps.
1. Identify your marriage problems
Before resolving any problems you might have and
trying to repair your unhappy marriage, firstly you have to know what
you’re fighting against.
It’s the same with your marital problems; before
anything else, you need to identify your problems.
See whether you and your spouse are on the same page.
Do you have a similar point of view on your marriage and do you consider the
same things to be your marriage problems?
There is a possibility that you see something that
occurred between you two as a big deal, while the other person observes it as
completely irrelevant.
If this happens, you two will have to find the middle
ground and get to the terms with what your most significant issues are.
Was it infidelity? Emotional, sexual, verbal
or physical abuse?
Or was it a lack of communication and attention? Was
it emotional neglect or did your marriage fall into a rut?
What led to you two being here in the first place? What
was the initial cause and the main trigger?
Be careful when trying to identify your problems and
have in mind that in many cases, the ones you’re having now are actually just a
consequence of an issue you both thought you managed to leave behind ages ago.
It could be a deeply rooted trauma you repressed or
something you never saw as relevant.
2. Communicate honestly
Either way, the point is that none of your marital problems are irrelevant.
Don’t be ashamed to tell your partner exactly what’s
bothering you just because you think that they’ll think of you as too weak or
overly emotional.
In fact, rebuilding healthy communication is the first
step toward rebuilding your marriage. Forget about holding grudges,
about passive-aggressive behavior and about insults.
You simply have to find a way to talk to each other as
honestly as possible, without a fear of being judged.
Speak your mind and tell one another everything that
lies on your heart, everything that’s hurting you and bothering you.
There is no good marriage without good communication
and you can’t expect to make something out of yours until you learn the
importance of opening up to your partner and until you realize that not every
disagreement has to produce a fight.
Remember that the two of you are allowed to have
different opinions about certain matters and it is up to you to find a common
ground when that happens, without allowing this situation to escalate into a
bigger confrontation.
3. See whether there is anything to fix
After you know what’s mainly wrong with your
relationship and after you’ve talked about it directly with your significant
other, it’s time to be honest with yourself as well.
Let me warn you—fixing a failing marriage is hard
work; it is a long-lasting process which doesn’t only take a lot of time but it
also requires much effort, numerous sacrifices and it can cost you more of your
patience than you might think.
So, is all of this hard work really worth it? Don’t
get me wrong—I’m not implying that it’s not and neither am I advising you to
ditch your entire relationship without a fight; I’m just begging you to think
things through as thoroughly as possible before making any final decisions.
Is your marriage worth saving? Is it worth the trouble
you’re certainly about to go through?
Can it be fixed? Can you expect to have a happy
marriage after you’re done with this crisis or are you fighting in vain?
These are all the questions both you and your partner
should ask yourselves. Take as much time as you need and please, be realistic
while coming up with answers.
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4. Remember why you two fell in love
So, your marriage is in big trouble, otherwise, you
wouldn’t be here, would you?
The person sleeping next to you has probably been
annoying you for years and there were even moments when you felt like you
despised them and when a mere look at their face made you sick.
It’s true—none of these emotions is beautiful but
don’t feel guilty for having them from time to time.
It doesn’t mean that you really hate your spouse or
that you would indeed enjoy seeing them miserable.
However, if you’re trying to rebuild your marriage,
it’s time to put all of these negative feelings aside and concentrate on
something else.
For a change, try remembering why you fell in love
with this person in the first place.
After all, you two didn’t always have a turbulent
relationship. There were times when you got along perfectly, times when you
didn’t fight and times when you were convinced you’d live happily ever after.
Yes, you both have probably changed with time but the
essence of your personality had to remain at least similar.
5. Walk a mile in your spouse’s shoes
You have to be aware that in every scenario, there are
two sides of the medal.
Even though you might have a hard time accepting this,
you’re not always right and your point of view is not the only true one.
In fact, your spouse probably has their own side of
the story and it is time to hear them out.
Don’t let them manipulate you and change
your opinion but try hearing them out.
Put an effort into putting yourself in their position
and walking a mile in their shoes.
See what it is that you’re doing wrong, how your words
and actions impact them and how your spouse feels in this entire drama.
After all, you’re trying to save a romantic
relationship which is a two-way street. The goal is not just for you to be okay
with the outcome, it is to make you both feel better and more satisfied.
If you can’t make yourself do this, for a few days
pretend that you’re a bystander who observes your marriage objectively.
Forget about your emotions and see what you would
conclude if you were not a part of this relationship and if you had the chance
to look at it from the outside.
Trust me—this approach will expand your horizons and
it will give you a completely new perspective on things.
6. Find time for each other
I know that you and your spouse both have busy lives
and your daily obligations often stand in the way of your marriage.
Outside of this broken marriage, you have a job, your
friends, parents, hobbies… and your partner is the same.
If you have kids, your duties are even bigger. You
want to earn enough money to afford a better life for your entire family, you
want to be a good parent, you need to keep the house clean and in order and of
course, you need some time or yourself.
Naturally, after all is done, you have no energy left
for your spouse.
Be honest—how frequently do you two spend time
together, without anyone else and without any disturbances from the outside
world?
What was the last time you just chilled next to each
other, without talking about the mortgage, the kids’ sports practice or what
you’ll cook for dinner tomorrow?
You can’t remember, right? Well, that’s one of the
problems and something you have to change ASAP if you want to see some progress
in this marriage.
It doesn’t matter how but you have to find time for
the two of you.
Take a day off work (or wait for the weekend), find
someone to babysit the kids and spend a few hours with your husband or wife,
without anyone or anything interfering or standing in the way of your marriage.
However, don’t make this a one-time thing. Instead, if
you want a successful marriage, make sure you make it a habit and you’ll see
how beneficial this time will be for both of you.
Don’t forget that besides being
responsible co-parents and career people, you two are still a couple!
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And once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...
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