The sad fact is that many couples deny that they’re stuck in an unhappy, loveless marriage, even though deep down, they are fully aware of their situation.
They stay together for financial reasons or their
children or for some other very wrong reasons.
Even though it’s normal to recognize other benefits of
your marriage such as the fact that it’s good for your kids or financially
comfortable, none of that makes sense if you and your partner no longer love
each other (or never even did).
You may think that it’s better for your kids if you
stay married but the thing is that they’ll feel that something isn’t okay.
It’ll be worse for them to watch both of their parents
unhappy every day or to listen to your fights and disagreements often.
Signs of a loveless marriage
According to one of the most famous marriage and
relationship researchers, John Gottman, there are ‘four horsemen’
that can harm every marriage, which are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.
We’ll talk about all four of them below but there are
some more clear red flags that can indicate that you aren’t just experiencing
some rough patches but that you’re instead actually stuck in a loveless,
unhappy marriage.
The distance between you is more than
obvious
You are aware that there is an emotional distance
between you and that it’s getting bigger and bigger.
You just hope that your significant other will realize
it too and act in time to save your marriage.
You don’t communicate more like you used to, you don’t
spend any quality time together and you stopped expressing your feelings toward
each other a long time ago.
You can simply feel that you’re growing
apart.
You aren’t sure if your partner loves you
anymore
You can’t even remember the last time when your
partner said that they loved you.
Maybe you tried a few times to talk to them about it
but they avoided it or said that you’re exaggerating or imagining it.
This is only because they still love you as a person
and don’t want to hurt your feelings by admitting the truth.
If you have any doubts about their feelings, it’s
probably because they gave you a reason to do so and you’re probably right.
Try to express your feelings to them and wait for
their response.
If they leave you without one or if they only smile
politely, your doubts are justified.
You went from being best friends to almost
total strangers
Your spouse has to be your best friend
first, then your romantic partner.
If you feel like you’ve become just two roommates or
total strangers, that’s not a healthy marriage.
If you aren’t comfortable about opening up to your
partner or going to them first when you have any problems, there is definitely
something wrong in your relationship.
You need to find the cause of your disconnection and
then work on that to make your marriage work again.
Breakdown in communication
Good and healthy communication is an
essential building block for a successful relationship.
If there is a lack of communication in your
relationship, that’s probably the root cause of all of your problems.
Your partner needs to be there for you always, no
matter how busy their schedule is.
If you have any problems or issues, you have to be
able to tell them and find a solution together.
Unhealthy communication always leads to an unhealthy
relationship.
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Lack of intimacy
Intimacy is a very important part of every healthy
relationship.
It builds a deeper connection between you and it also
helps in building trust.
Even though it shouldn’t be the main part of your
relationship, a lack of intimacy can bring many problems to your marriage.
No matter how long you have been married, the spark
should never leave your bedroom.
If you aren’t pleased with your love life, you should
talk about it to your partner and together find a way to spice things up.
How to survive a loveless marriage
Of course, all marriages must go through some crises
and all couples must endure some issues in their relationships.
If you both think that you are just going through a
rough patch and really want to save your marriage, of course, it is possible.
You both just need to put some effort in and you’ll
make your relationship healthy again.
It’s indeed possible to fall in love with
your spouse again. Continue reading below for some
advice on staying in a loveless marriage.
Ask yourself if your marriage is really
worth saving
This is the first thing you have to do once you
realize that you are dealing with this problem.
You have to ask yourself whether your marriage is
something worth saving and you have to remember all the good stuff but also the
bad and compare them.
It is very important that you are aware of all the
good things your marriage has brought you and all the bad things that you had
to deal with since you realized you were stuck in an unhappy marriage.
If the bad things and negative feelings are more
present and overwhelming, then stop for a minute and think about how much your
effort is really worth.
Recognize your issues
Go back and try to remember when your marriage started
to fall apart.
Was it the time when you had some family issues or
financial troubles or was it over something else?
Maybe you didn’t like the way your partner dealt with
a certain problem, so you started to wonder if he had been like this all along
but you didn’t see it or if he is revealing his true face just now.
Try to find the moment when your feelings toward your
partner started to change, or his toward you.
Only this way will you be able to truly resolve all
your problems and eventually start to love your significant other again.
Give it time and be patient
Nothing in this life comes easily, especially if it is
something as great as love.
Love is something you have to take care of; you build
it slowly and don’t rush anything.
Be patient and if you and your partner are truly
willing to make things work then you both most certainly will.
To make the marriage work again, it is not important
just to say that you want it, you have to let time heal some wounds.
If you don’t think that you can work out your issues
by yourselves, you can always make an appointment with a marriage counselor and
save your marriage with professional help.
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